Infidelity rarely happens out of the blue. More often, it’s the result of subtle, long-term disconnects that build beneath the surface—issues many couples overlook until the damage is done.

While a recent YouGov poll found that around half of men (50%) and over half of women (58%) say they’ve been cheated on by a partner, a 2023 national survey conducted by our team revealed lower—but still concerning—figures: 46% of women and 34% of men reported experiencing infidelity in their relationships. Even so, experts caution that these numbers may underestimate the true scope of the issue, since they only reflect known or admitted cases.

Interestingly, the YouGov survey also showed that about one in three Americans admit to cheating, with around 20% of those confessions involving emotional infidelity rather than physical acts.

So why does infidelity happen? According to Dee Tozer—an Elite Master Coach for Couples, CEO of Dee Tozer International Pty Ltd, renowned Couples Therapy Master, and author of Affair Repair—one of the most overlooked triggers isn’t conflict; it’s neglect. Not loud arguments. Not harsh words. Just the quiet, persistent absence of validation.

“When someone feels unappreciated or invisible in their relationship,” Dee explains, “that emotional void becomes fertile ground for connection elsewhere.”

Backed by years of experience working with couples on the brink, she’s seen the same dynamic play out repeatedly: when partners don’t feel seen or supported, they start drifting apart emotionally, and eventually, that drift can lead them into someone else’s arms.

Research supports this. One multistage regression analysis study found that simple elements like attention accounted for 19% of marital satisfaction, while factors like clarity in communication and emotional support also played measurable roles.

Ultimately, it’s not always betrayal that breaks the bond—it’s disconnection. And sometimes, the most dangerous thing in a marriage isn’t what’s said, but what’s missing.

The Story of a Couple in Crisis

One couple stands out in Dee’s memory. The husband worked in the judiciary and was high up in his field. His wife, a lawyer focused on basic contract work, decided to return to school and pursue a major career step up. She wanted to become a barrister—an ambitious, demanding move that required months of study and several nights a week away from home.

He never said she shouldn’t do it. But he also never supported her.

While she was away at classes, he shouldered dinner with their three teenagers and resented it. Tension built quietly, mostly around logistics. Was there enough food? Why wasn’t dinner ready? Why wasn’t she home?

She was doing something hard and important, but instead of encouragement, she came home to silence. No one asked how class went. No one seemed to care. The more pressure she felt, the more alone she became.

When she finally completed her studies, she invited her husband to the award night for her thesis. He didn’t say no—he just didn’t answer. Then, the night of the event, he told her he had a work function and couldn’t come.

She went alone.

She didn’t know she’d won top student until she was standing there, receiving the award. It should have been a moment of joy. But when she walked back into her house that night, glowing and exhausted, she found her family watching TV. No one turned around. No one asked how it went.

Eventually, one of the kids asked a vague, half-hearted question. She tried to answer, but her husband never looked up. She asked—calmly—for everyone to turn the TV off and listen. He argued with her. The kids finally responded, but by then the moment had passed. She was crying.

And that’s when something cracked.

Soon after, she started an affair with a fellow student—someone who’d also gone through his studies with no support at home. Their connection was less about passion and more about recognition. They saw each other. They validated each other. And that was enough to cross a line.

Dee Tozer later worked with the couple and helped them rebuild. But the root of the problem was clear: it wasn’t just about cheating. It was about the emotional rejection that led up to it.

What We Need in Relationships

Dee’s takeaway from cases like this is simple: people need to feel like they matter.

That’s it. That’s the whole point of being in a relationship—for someone to say, in words and actions, “I see you. You’re important to me.” When that stops, everything else starts to unravel.

Disapproval, especially the kind that goes unsaid, cuts deep. When someone puts effort into something meaningful and gets no reaction—or worse, subtle resistance—it leaves a hole. Over time, that emotional emptiness can lead people to seek out connection somewhere else.

How Disconnection Creeps In

The early signs are quiet:

• A partner stops sharing.
• Conversations become short or non-existent.
• Cooperation fades—one person just handles things without saying anything.
• There’s a slow emotional withdrawal.

It doesn’t feel dramatic. It just feels… flat. And that’s the danger.

According to Dee, one of the unique challenges modern couples face is that we’ve forgotten how to show approval. We’re quicker to criticize or stay neutral. Some even avoid praise altogether, thinking it makes them look weak or like they’re giving in.

Others simply don’t know how.

Why It Matters More Than Ever

These days, life is loud. Everyone’s busy, distracted, pulled in ten directions at once. It’s easy to miss the little moments that hold a relationship together. A simple “I’m proud of you,” or “That must’ve been hard—are you okay?” can make someone feel safe, seen, and cared for. And when those moments don’t happen—when you feel like no one’s noticing what you’re going through—that’s when the cracks start to form. Especially if you’re already carrying a lot.

Dee doesn’t offer quick fixes. Her work is intensive, honest, and deeply human. Dee works at your pace across an intensive 12 weeks of repair—what may seem slow at first is fast by most therapists’ standards, compared to the typical 2 to 3 years of traditional therapy. Across just 12 week, she helps couples rediscover how to talk to each other, how to listen without judgment, and how to rebuild trust after it’s been broken. At the heart of her method is this: mutual approval, appreciation, and the daily choice to show up for your partner.

Because when someone feels unseen for long enough, they will start looking for someone who sees them.

And it doesn’t take much to stop that from happening—just care, curiosity, and the willingness to say, “You matter to me.”