Often in relationships, the most lasting damage rarely comes from fights—it grows from the small, unaddressed moments of neglect. What remains unsaid—missed check-ins, unmet emotional needs, or simply feeling unseen—can quietly erode connection. Left unresolved, these small slights accumulate into resentment, a phenomenon Dee Tozer, Elite Master Coach for Couples, CEO of Dee Tozer International Pty Ltd, renowned Couples Therapy Master, and author of Affair Repair, calls “grudge sludge.”
Dee Tozer’s Journey and Expertise
Dee draws insight from both personal and professional experience. After two devastating divorces, she was determined to find a better way to help couples. Over 30+ years of research, coaching, and hands-on experience, she has developed methods to repair marriages—even in the aftermath of affairs, hostility, or addictions. Today, 94% of her clients successfully thrive together, even when hope seemed lost.
Her journey began as a primary school teacher, where she noticed that many children’s behavioral and learning difficulties were linked to parental conflict. This inspired her to help the parents first, guiding couples toward resolving marital issues. To deepen her understanding of relationships, Dee returned to university to study psychology. Since then, she has helped over 6,000 couples, including more than 2,000 recovering from affairs or years of hostile conflict.
Understanding the Frequency of Conflict
Conflict is a part of life: about 30% of couples in serious relationships argue at least once a week, another 28% argue multiple times a month, and 32% once or a few times a year. Only 3% say they never argue. But it’s not the fights themselves that cause the most damage—it’s the quiet accumulation of unresolved hurt, the grudge sludge that slowly takes over.
Grudge Sludge as Emotional Quicksand
Dee Tozer compares grudge sludge to emotional quicksand. Just like getting stuck in quicksand, partners can sink deeper into frustration and disconnection over time, unable to pull themselves out without help. It’s the small, repeated moments of being ignored, criticized, or dismissed that pile up and leave couples feeling trapped.
Research backs this up. In one study of 344 participants, 70.9% admitted to holding a grudge. Among them, 36.6% had forgiven the other person, but 34.3% had not. Interestingly, nearly two-thirds said that an apology or acknowledgment from the person who hurt them could have prevented the grudge in the first place. This shows just how powerful simple recognition and communication can be.
Dee’s perspective comes from both experience and years of work. After going through two painful divorces, she set out to understand what truly strengthens relationships. Over three decades of coaching, research, and reflection, she has helped thousands of couples spot and break patterns of resentment before they become entrenched.At the heart of Dee’s approach is helping partners see how their words, tone, and behaviors affect each other. Resentment grows when one partner feels unwanted, unappreciated, or dismissed. Even small actions—nagging, criticism, walking away during conflict—can slowly erode intimacy. Over time, disapproval turns into distance, desire fades, and resentment deepens, creating a cycle that can feel impossible to break without intentional effort.
Recognizing the Signs of Resentment
Signs of resentment and emotional neglect often include feeling unheard, unappreciated, or chronically judged. Responses can manifest as withdrawal, passive-aggressiveness, or repeated conflict over seemingly minor matters—household routines, schedules, or intimacy. Even when both partners care deeply for one another, unresolved resentment can slowly hollow out the warmth and connection they once shared.
One practical step to counter this, according to Dee, is simply pausing. Before issuing criticism, blame, or demands, take a moment to reflect on how your words and actions might affect your partner. Small gestures of attention and appreciation—like sharing a smile when entering a room or ending the day with acknowledgment—can shift the emotional tone and create a sense of being valued.
Ultimately, addressing grudge sludge isn’t about grand gestures or dramatic interventions. It’s about cultivating awareness, showing care consistently, and interrupting patterns of neglect before they calcify into resentment. When couples become intentional about nurturing each other, they often find that not only does their emotional connection improve, but other areas of life—work, family, and personal fulfillment—benefit as well.
Awareness as the First Step to Healing
A key part of addressing grudge sludge is awareness. Couples need to recognize not just the behavior of their partner, but their own role in the dynamic. Dee encourages reflection on how words, attitudes, and even unspoken expectations contribute to a climate of emotional neglect. By understanding the cause-and-effect of interactions, couples can begin replacing neglect with nurturing, restoring connection and warmth.
Dee also emphasizes that this process isn’t just about theory—it’s about practice. Many of the couples she works with have shared profound transformations. One client, AB, who had been married 11 years, explained their journey:
“When we started with you, we were both shattered. I was proud, indignant, and argumentative even with you, Dee… I had cheated and thought I was justified because my wife didn’t seem to care about me. You put up with my attitude and softly guided me into vulnerability and opened my heart to my loving wife. I realized I was striving so hard for massive business goals and had forgotten to look after my number one fan—my wife! Instead, I pulled away and went for hero worship. The actual hero is my wife. I love her more now than ever, and my focus is on my family now. Since that decision, my business has grown bigger and bigger…funny that.”
Stories like AB’s highlight how emotional neglect can creep into daily life unnoticed. When priorities shift toward work, personal ambitions, or other external pressures, partners may inadvertently withdraw from nurturing their relationship. Grudge sludge forms quietly, often over small repeated incidents: overlooked gestures, misinterpreted intentions, or lack of appreciation for daily efforts.
From Neglect to Nurturing: The Path Forward
Grudge sludge may form quietly, but it can be disrupted with mindfulness, reflection, and small daily actions. By focusing on understanding, communication, and appreciation, couples can move from emotional neglect to nurturing and from resentment to reconnection. The results are profound: relationships feel more resilient, intimacy is restored, and partners often find that focusing on what truly matters brings unexpected rewards—both within the relationship and beyond.